Spanky's Place

First and foremost I want to point out that the major actors (Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Cate Blanchett, Ray Winstone, and John Hurt) all did wonderful jobs portraying their respective characters. Each one was believable and true to the character's persona. My issues with the film lie not with them or their acting, but with the story and effects.

How much of this film was shot either on a true set or on site, vs. Green Screen? It seems Mr. Spielberg has an unhealthy love of the Green Screen, and what he can do with it. It is overused so much throughout the film that I was physically exhausted by the end of the movie. How I long for a true backdrop, a true set, a true anything that is not entirely digital.

I always though Indiana Jones was a rough-and-tumble ladies man / archaeologist / professor. Did you know that he spent 1947 - 1957 working for the OSS as a super secret spy? Neither did I. It seems our dear professor Jones has a double life.

His super secret spy training pays off though, in that it helps him figure out how to avoid certain death while at ground zero of an atomic bomb blast. Thank goodness for lead lined, heat resistant, impact protective refrigerators. They are much better at protecting one from nuclear fire than a bomb shelter.

See if you can guess which of the following insane plot points is NOT part of this egomaniacal waste of time:

• - The Roswell Conspiracy
• - Super sexy Ukrainian Villians
• - The British Secret Service
• - Hackneyed Caricatures of FBI agents
• - Hackneyed Caricatures of KGB agents
• - Soviet attacks on US Military bases
• - Skeletons and Rotting Corpses
• - Skeletons and Rotting Corpses flopping about on major characters
• - Yucky insects crawling into people's clothing
• - Snake gags
• - Hackneyed Caricatures of Aboriginal Natives
• - with blowpipes
• - Wild Ride chases that are obviously set ups for the latest action ride at Disneyland
• - Aliens
• - Inter-dimensional Aliens
• - Inter-dimensional magnetic Aliens
• - Inter-dimensional magnetic Alien skeletons
• - that aren't really magnetic
• - or dead
• - Arguments and Kisses
• - Rocket Sleds
• - Errol Flynn style sword fights
• - Atomic Bombs
• - Flying Saucers
• - Endless cycles of "Is it over yet? Nope, not yet" feelings
• - Motorcycles
• - Bringing a Knife to a Gunfight
• - Bad Guys with Machine Guns who can't hit anything, even at point-blank range
• - Product Placement
• - Pictures of Sean Connery
• - The Ark of The Covenant
• - Skulls
• - Treasure
• - Treasure Maps
• - Dead Languages that nobody speaks except for 1 character in the movie who shouldn't know it
• - and everybody immediately recognizes the dead language
• - Floating magnetic gunpowder
• - Even more yucky insects doing yucky insect things
• - Characters who can't walk, then can run, then mysteriously can't walk again
• - Jocks
• - Greasers
• - Nuns
• - Priests
• - Bastard Children
• - Marriages
• - Scotch
• - Beer
• - Malt Shops
• - Shotgun Shells
• - Mannequins
• - "Bar Room Brawls"
• - Warehouses full of crates
• - Cars / Trucks crashing through said crates
• - Libraries
• - Pyramids
• - Sand Traps
• - Swinging from Vines
• - Jungle Chases
• - River Rides
• - Waterfalls
• - Car Crashes
• - Spys
• - Double Agents
• - Traitors
• - Gold
• - Getting hit in the crotch
• - over and over again
• - Dancing Bears

If you guessed "Dancing Bears"; congratulations, you are correct. However I'd be willing to bet they'll show up on the extended version DVD.

Trust me on this, don't waste your time or money going to see this film. Pay the $9 to somebody to kick you square in the nuts with a steel toed boot; I guarantee you'll enjoy it more than this movie.